What AM I actually doing here?!
I Made God a Deal in Seminary
Some of you have been following me for years - through YouTube videos, finance content, free courses, prayer guides, all of it. Some of you have interacted with me in spiritual direction contexts. Some of you just found me last week. If you’re wondering what’s happening here, I don’t blame you.
Let me tell you a story.
I Woke Up One Day in Seminary
When I got accepted to seminary in 2012, my friend wanted to take me out to celebrate. But I wasn’t that excited about it. I sat across from my counselor - a very discerning woman - and tried to explain why.
She looked at me and said something I’ll never forget: “I wonder if you’re resentful that you have to pay a lot for something the church should be offering just to feel close to God.”
I was 24. A waitress. Paying off $120k in student loan debt from my undergrad. I had no family support, high anxiety, and I was on a deep healing journey from my past. Seminary was expensive - like Southern California expensive. And it felt like the only place offering me real answers to my biblical and human questions about God…and the only place offering actual healing.
She was right. I was scared, sad, and resentful.
But let me back up. I didn’t plan to go to seminary. I had a bachelor’s degree in acting, film, and dance. I didn’t like school - especially because I was homeschooled, undergrad was really hard for me. I definitely didn’t want more academic work.
I ended up there because I was broken and in spiritual pain. I was at my church asking pastors tons of questions - desperate to understand where God was, why I was so anxious, why no matter how much I did for God, read the Bible, or prayed, I never felt close enough to Him.
I tried life groups (too shallow, no one was honest about their real lives). Bible studies (it was about right answers and being judgy). Private devotions (way too boring). Serving (empty and draining - I wasn’t living from a full cup).
The only place I felt connected was a 12-step program called Celebrate Recovery. I didn’t have acute addictions, but I loved the space to process our lives. But I wanted to be with “real Christians,” and the mega church I was at with all the bells and whistles didn’t know what to do with my questions. They just gave me therapy referrals. (I was already in therapy.)
Then I took a class on spiritual formation. The teacher explained how our experience with our primary caregiver sets us up to experience God the same way. For me, it was my mom - that vacillating, never-quite-enough unpredictable relationship. A light bulb went on. I sat in the front row with tears streaming down my face. It was the same “felt” distance from God. I was just repeating my old story…but spiritually.
He talked about the “sanctification gap” - why Christians feel like they can’t grow even though they’re doing all the things. This is what’s missing! I immediately grabbed a pamphlet about his seminary.
The next day I called. “Can I audit classes? How do I get a spiritual director? The teacher said having one is so important - what do I do?”
The woman on the phone was so kind. She listened with such care. “You can’t audit, but you can apply. We’re having an info night in three weeks.”
I went. I felt like God was literally driving me there. I wasn’t in my brain - it’s like my whole body was floating there. I applied, having NO idea what spiritual formation was or what spiritual direction even meant. I just knew this was it. This was where I was supposed to be. God had answered my prayer.
Surprisingly, I got in (even with my typos in my admissions letter).
And then came that moment with my counselor: “You’re resentful that you have to pay a lot for something the church should be offering just to be close to God.”
So I made God a deal (unrealistic, I know). I told Him I’d go to seminary, and then I’d offer this work for free in the church.
What I Learned
I went to seminary. I really believe it saved my faith and my life. There wasn’t just theological frameworks - there was an incredible emphasis on prayer, processing our stories, and integrating our heads and our hearts. It was a whole experience of doing life with the Spirit and what it means to abide from the inside out. At the end of the journey I became a spiritual director, which for me was incredibly life-giving and a true gift to witness others’ pains, doubts, and joys in the Christian faith.
Fast forward a few years later, I found myself working at a church and I did begin to offer spiritual formation spaces and classes for free in my church.
Here’s what happened: many people weren’t interested. They didn’t take it seriously. They wanted to be spoon-fed. They didn’t seem to want to do the hard work that is required to actually change. It made me feel really stuck and sad.
I realized I wanted to work with people who were ready and willing to change - who wanted to do the inner work, who were hungry for intimacy with Christ. If I was in that same boat 10 years ago, there must be many others who don’t have access to this training, holy space to be honest with others, and integration of God’s work in their lives that makes sense.
So I took a risk and got over the fear of trolls on the internet to offer some thoughts on formation.
In 2022 I started a YouTube channel to talk about the nuances of the Christian life: what happens when we pray, where is God when there is silence, the dynamics of the spiritual life… all the messy stuff nobody addresses in Sunday sermons or in small groups.
But I was still working in hospitality, and YouTube was new territory.
Then, some of my videos went viral - finance content about how God changed my finances through a Bible study on money - I didn’t realize this was such an issue for others and suddenly everyone told me to double down on that and respond to this felt need.
And honestly? I did help people. Money is one of the clearest mirrors for how we actually trust God. I created a program to help Christians navigate financial stress and live in contentment. It was meaningful work - but I couldn’t make my whole channel about that because my heart wasn't fully in building a finance practice.
I asked myself: “If I had $10k a month forever from God or some other source, or if I was retired, what would I do?” I immediately knew that I would run an online space for people to process and practice the presence of God together. I would also just offer free teaching on YouTube. And if people wanted more intentional formation, training, or direction, they could pay to commit to themselves.
Of course, there’s still the practical reality: I’m not on staff at a church anymore, and the price of eggs is the same no matter what my occupation is.
And then God said: “Don’t worry about the money. Just give it away and let me do the rest.”
So here I am. Trying to make sense of this odd calling of YouTube and Substack…
How I'm Showing Up This Year
While we are never static, here are the ways I’m intending to show up this year more fully and live and love in the lane God has placed on my heart.
I will continue to practice as a spiritual director - have been for 9ish years, formally trained at Talbot School of Theology, but still just beginning to know what it means to witness the powerful work of God in one another.
My primary passions are exploring theology, psychology, and ancient Christian spirituality - the desert fathers and mothers, Ignatian practices, contemplative traditions. I integrate biblical wisdom with what we know about being human in response to a loving God.
My goal for this year is simplicity. I want to offer free teachings, hold space for formation community, and walk with people in spiritual direction. That’s it.
My heart is for Christians who want to be ready for an “I-Thou” relationship with God - who want to know themselves as “beloved,” to learn to abide in Him (John 15).
What You Can Expect
Every week (Lord willing):
I’ll share one Substack post going deeper into spiritual formation, Scripture, and what it means to integrate our theology with our actual lives.
I’ll create more YouTube videos on topics that impact how we’re human, how we relate to the Lord, what it might mean to walk in the Spirit - plus live prayer practices and Q&A for those who support the youtube work.
I may also lead workshops for Substack as I learn this new platform (I do really enjoy writing more than I expected)
If you want more intentional formation, here is how I can serve you in this next season:
1) The Sanctus Room - A formation-centered community where we practice the presence of God together
This looks like:
A monthly formation book club (starting with Henri Nouwen’s “The Way of the Heart”)
Monthly group spiritual direction sessions
Bi-weekly Bible reading calls (not another Bible study - we read the Bible together and notice what God is doing in a contemplative and formational way).
This is for people who want to center their lives in Christ and need a place to process their formation in community. It's a rhythm of learning, listening, and practicing the presence of God together.
Join us this month - we're reading Henri Nouwen's "The Way of the Heart" and our first meeting is at the end of January.
2)1:1 Spiritual Direction - If you want individual accompaniment on your journey with God, you can apply here. (of if you need referrals I am happy to supply them)
Coming Soon: NOTICE - a daily journal for practicing the Examen and noticing God in your everyday life. Substack subscribers will hear about it first!
The Invitation
I have no desire to be a guru. In our “influenced” culture where numbers, subscribers, and being relevant can keep the ego circling itself, I want to stay aware of that temptation and live from belovedness instead.
My emails and videos will have typos but I would rather hit send and connect than be perfect. I’m continually aware of my own sin and blind spots. And I want to encourage you: let go of judging yourself, let go of hiding your vulnerability. It's only when we're honest and embracing Love that we can truly live a life of peace and freedom in Christ.
I’m offering myself as a guide - one person in this corner of the internet doing my best (and sometimes not so much) in my messiness. I’m God’s beloved, and so are you.
If you want to walk alongside others who want a new heart with God - not more dogmas, not more to-dos, not performance Christianity, but freedom from moralism and actual transformation by the renewing of the mind (and heart)- come along.
Just be you. God will do what He needs to.
Thank you for being here. Bless you.
Maryl
If you feel led to support this work: Paid Substack subscriptions and YouTube memberships help me keep offering free content and accessible formation spaces.
I hope to share more content, workshops, and practices in the future to say thank you.
I am simply glad that I was led here. My real name is Marquita.